Thu
Aug
13
Yes. She really is this funny. Honest. TOP 5 THINGS I’VE DONE WITH MY LIFE (SO FAR)
- County spelling bee champ, elementary school level, Allegheny County, 1989-90 school year. Winning word: ‘apotheosis’
- Successfuly completed my parole for that DUI. Third time’s the charm, baby!
- No, not that DUI. The one in South Beach, spring break ‘98. Lessons learned include: don’t try to ‘drink the rainbow’ in jell-o shots; ‘golf cart’ does not equal ‘free car’; you can get arrested for soliciting the skills of a hooker, even if you are underage. Also, offering your hooker to the cops does not nullify a DUI charge. Necessarily.
- Climbing to the Statue of Liberty’s crown. I love my country. USA #1!
- Swimming with the dolphins. I said it then, and I’ll say it now: the rules never said anything about trying to ride the dolphins like a horse. And how can I break a rule if it doesn’t exist? And how does making my case for dolphin-horse-riding necessitate you to call security? And who on earth would have taken seriously my little quip to the security officer that I was prepared to ‘take this shit to a physical level’? And how can you really prove that I even said that? And, really, isn’t it simply your opinion that my breath smelled strongly of Jaegermeister that morning? If anyone would like to represent me, legally, in my quest to have Dolphin Friends, Inc., refund in full the $432.81 (tax included) I paid for my family of four to swim with Dolphin Friends’s dolphins (plus hot dogs and Diet Cokes), please contact me at my personal email.
